Fatty from the block

FATTY FROM THE BLOCK

Unsurprisingly, to be sung to the tune of "Jenny from the Block" by Jennifer Lopez

Don't be fooled by the hips that I got
I'm still, I'm still Fatty from the block
Used to weigh a little now I weigh a lot
No matter where I go I know where the boob is

Ode to Michael - 16 pounds (7.2 kg) and counting...

The fungal club

Well, Michael and I are both fully paid-up members of the fungal club. We went to see the doctor this afternoon and now have to be treated for thrush for the next two weeks. Michael voiced his displeasure by howling through the whole appointment. I have to paint the inside of his mouth 4 times a day with a gel. I did this for the first time this evening and it was a truly horrible experience. It is a reasonably large amount of gel (2.5 ml) for such a little mouth and I had to rub it on the inside of his cheeks and on his tongue in sufficiently small amounts to avoid choking him. He turned puce, tried to spit it out and was extremely unhappy. 5 minutes later he threw up over himself so I have to hope that enough of it stayed in his mouth to do the trick. It will probably do horrible things to his sleepsuit knowing my luck and in an hour or two he will look like he has been attacked by termites.

I think this all started when I had a nipple injury a few weeks ago. Michael was having a growth spurt and got a bit lazy with his latch. So we now have the following equation:

Nipple injury + warm, moist environment = thrush

Duly noted...

Oral thrush

*Expletives deleted*
Can any breastfeeding mummies out there give me any information on this?

Give and take

Two things have to happen to improve the world for my son.

1. Bring back mint choc chip ice-cream. Where did it go to? Did it follow the humble prawn cocktail into the ranks of obscurity?
2. For the love of God, get rid of Sir Jimmy Savile. According to Phil, I can't write what I want to write about him because it would be libellous. So I can't write that he is a rancid old lecher (allegedly). Pity. The reason for my rancour is that he is returning to our TV screens with a new series of "Jim'll Fix It". I assure you that his unwillingness to fix it for me as a young child has nothing to do with my current bile.

Put it in my mouth!

We had a rough day yesterday. Michael was fine on the day of his vaccinations but yesterday he just wouldn't settle and got very little sleep until late in the evening. We felt very sorry for him, and a little guilty for taking him along to be vaccinated. We also felt absolutely knackered and I needed someone to rock me and tell me a story by the time we fell into bed. He is doing much better today and has slept for most of the morning. This is fantastic because it gives me some time to do a few things around the house.

I have had to wash Michael's toys because he has finally decided to show some interest in them and wants to put them in his mouth. He has a favourite rabbit called Rab C. Nesbert (or Rab for short - for some reason everything I name ends in 'bert') and last night he desperately tried to shove Rab in his mouth. His face was lit up with excitement and he had gone cross-eyed with concentration. Sadly for him I played the overprotective Mummy card and took Rab away for a good wash. He has been used to entertain Michael for some months and has been left here, there, and everywhere and also dropped on the floor a time or two.

I'm hoping that Michael will sleep for another hour or so because I would really like to play "The Sims". I haven't had the chance to play since Michael was born. Phil and I created virtual representations of us and little Catherine and Phil live in a large house with their adopted son, Knut. Little Catherine and Phil are criminal masterminds. As I recall, I was trying to get little Phil kidnapped and impregnated by aliens when I left the game. No rest for the wicked...

3 months old!

I can't believe that Michael is 3 months old now. Where on earth has the time gone to?!? We took him to the baby clinic this morning for his second lot of vaccinations and for a general check-up. He was a very good boy and only cried a little, but when he did cry there were TEARS! He has never cried with tears before and it broke my heart to see it. Phil and I are already wrapped around his little finger, but if tears are going to be thrown into the mix then we really are in trouble. Before I forget, here are Michael's 3 month stats:


Age: 3 months and 1 day old
Weight: 6.8 kg (15 pounds)
Length: 63.5 cm
Head circumference: 40.5 cm
Current temperament: Peaceful
Current location: Lying in his pram (again)

The above photograph shows him sitting in his Bumbo. It is only in the last couple of weeks that he has had the muscle strength to sit in it without his head flopping a little. He hasn't decided if he likes the Bumbo yet. He is a nosy little chap (like his father) and likes to be on the move all the time, so his preferred location is riding around on Mummy or Daddy's shoulder.

As I mentioned previously, Michael is the star of his own webcast once a week. My parents get to coo over him on Saturday morning. This Saturday, he was very chatty and gave them lots of conversation, smiles and giggles. When he is in a good mood, he chats all the time so it looks like he is going to be a chatterbox like his mother (poor child.) Conversation for him takes up every ounce of his strength. He doesn't just chat with his voice - his arms will be waving around like windmill blades, his eyebrows waggle and expressions chase their way across his face in quick succession. Phil and I love it.

New milestones

Judging by the amount he has been feeding in the last couple of days, Michael is having his 3 month growth spurt. A growth spurt usually heralds some new tricks and we haven't been disappointed. He has started to properly grab at things now. I was leaning over him on the changing station and he grabbed a chunk of my hair in his pudgy little fists - very cute indeed if a little painful. He is also holding his head up properly when placed on his stomach. I have been giving him plenty of tummy time so that he would get strong enough neck muscles to do this. It means that he can go out with me in the Ergo Baby Carrier and can also play in his door bouncer.

In slightly less good news he is obsessively chewing his fists and dribbling a lot so I think he is teething. Very alarming, since the symptoms can persist for several months before the pearly offender shows itself.

Spending

I do not like doing the washing up - in fact I absolutely hate it - and some six years ago I suggested to Phil that we buy a dishwasher. He considered it a waste of money and said that he was more than happy to do the washing up from then on. I took him at his word. How those words would come to haunt him. Occasionally I would feel a twinge of guilt and, warily eyeing the mountain of dirty crockery, I would again suggest a dishwasher and he would insist that he was happy to continue doing the washing up. Three years after my initial suggestion he, and his dishpan hands, finally cracked and we bought a dishwasher. He now worships the dishwasher and I often tease him on his reluctance to buy one.

This little story should give you the idea that Phil and I approach spending money somewhat differently. He likes to save it or avoid spending it. I like to save it too but also spend it on sensible, quality purchases. Fast forward to last weekend and Phil, Michael and I were to be found standing in the unfortunately named "Baby Dump" looking at highchairs. There were about 20 or so highchairs on sale and we immediately dismissed the wooden ones for hygiene reasons and then the ones with cloth seat covers, and finally the ones without wheels. This left us looking at about 6 highchairs. I immediately zoned in on the most aesthetically pleasing one and noticed that it had won multiple awards. It was - alas - the most expensive highchair in the store. Phil liked the look of it too but went slightly green at the price. He wanted to buy something - anything - that was cheaper. It didn't really matter how much cheaper, just cheaper. This led to a somewhat heated exchange in the middle of the highchair section. Michael was resting on my shoulder, blissfully unaware of all this and periodically being sick down my back.

When we finally left the store (I'll leave it to your imagination which highchair we eventually bought) we both agreed very readily what our next purchase would be - two Premium Burger menus from McDonald's.

Overslept?!?

I can't believe it but I overslept this morning. Phil and I fell into bed exhausted at 2:30am and forgot to set the alarm. Michael did what he has only ever done once before in his whole life - he slept for over 7 hours without waking. The next thing I knew, the phone was ringing and it was 9:30am. The doctor's receptionist wanted to know why Michael and I had not come in for Michael's appointment at 9:15am. I was totally flustered, apologised profusely and begged her to give us another appointment. My grovelling paid off and she said that we could see the doctor if we could be at the surgery within 15 minutes. I wouldn't have believed it possible but we managed to get ourselves and Michael dressed and ready within 10 minutes and we actually made it to the surgery in time. Unfortunately, there had been no time to feed Michael before leaving so he was grumbling and my breasts felt like they were going to explode.

The reason for this mad dash was that Michael has had a rash for the last week and has been generally out of sorts for the last few days. The doctor thinks it is either a viral infection or a reaction to the vaccinations he had 3 weeks ago. It is very difficult to tell with little babies, especially because he has no other symptoms like a fever or appetite loss.

My poor little boy. At least we now know why he has been such a grump. He is normally very sunny tempered and can cheerfully entertain himself for over half an hour on his activity gym. It is very cute to watch him grabbing for the toys and babbling at them. He has taken a real shine to a little giraffe and smiles and talks to him for ages. Fingers crossed he will be feeling better very soon because I want to try out my baby carrier and take him into Hoofddorp one lunchtime to see Phil. Phil would love this - especially because Phil has been wanting to go to the children's farm in Hoofddorp for years and Michael will give him just the excuse he needs to go.

General update

Phil and I have had a lot of fun over the last few days. We managed to cook a three-course meal on Saturday and enjoy it by candlelight and as you can see from the photograph to the left, we celebrated Hallowe'en too. I created some spooky fairy cakes, Phil carved a pumpkin and we dressed Michael in a pumpkin outfit. Perhaps one day he will forgive us for this indignity. Unbeknownst to him, there are further indignities to come as I have a Christmas pudding outfit for over the festive season. Mwahaha...

Since this is a diary on the progress of Baby Gleghorn, I had better take a moment to update his statistics:

Name: Michael Alexander Gleghorn
Age: 2 months and 3 weeks old
Weight: 6.5 kg (14.3 pounds)!
Current temperament: Restless
Current location: Lying in his pram

I can't remember what his head circumference and length were when last measured at the baby clinic, but I do remember that he is in the 75th centile.

For my future reference, I am going to note down those purchases I have made that have been useful, and those that have been a complete waste of my time and money. Hopefully I won't make the same mistakes with future children.

Useful:

• Tiny Love Symphony Light & Motion Mobile
• Gymini Super Deluxe - Lights & Music Activity Gym
• Bouncing cradle
• The Dr. Seuss books - especially "Fox in Socks"

Total waste of money

• The Tummy Tub. Michael hated it from the start and was constantly trying (and succeeding) to stand up.
• The Slumber Bear. This bear has a recording of the womb hidden in it's innards. It is supposed to soothe the baby to sleep. It just annoyed the hell out of Michael, although it did send Phil to sleep...
• Any wind-up mobile. Having to constantly wind the bloody thing was enough to drive anyone to drink. Since I am breastfeeding, Phil had to do the drinking on my behalf.
• Nature environmentally friendly nappies. A friend of mine uses these for his son and has had no problems with them whatsoever. However, I was not so lucky. They LEAK. On several occasions, no more than two hours after putting the nappy on Michael, he would have big wet patches on his thighs. This never happens with Huggies or Pampers.

Right... I think that is about it for now. I'm off to change Little Sir's nappy.

Diary of a newborn

Last week, when Michael was 7 weeks old I made a diary of what a typical day for him is like. This is what happened...

9am: Like my parents, I am a night-owl and I woke up this morning at 9am after sleeping for 7 hours! My Mummy was so shocked that she had to check I was still breathing. Normally I sleep for about 5 hours and then wake up wanting my breakfast.






10am: This is how I looked right before I threw up some of my breakfast. I do this to keep Mummy on her toes. She has to stash muslin cloths all over the house because I have a fancy for throwing up in a wonderful new location every day.






11am: As an English baby, it is very important that I learn the finer points of tea-making. Tea will carry me through all of life's tragedies, big or small. Here I am in the kitchen with Daddy having my first lesson.
By the way - how do you like my fabulous stripy grobag? I'll be fighting off the girl-babies in this snazzy attire.







12 noon: Mummy and I went for a walk to the shops. As you can see, I kept nice and dry with the rain cover on my Quinny. Mummy was so busy with me on the way out of the house that she forgot to put her hood up and got soaked. She didn't mind, because I was a very good boy and hardly cried at all during the shopping trip.





2pm: Pretty self-explanatory, really. Here I am having my afternoon nap. I hope that Mummy doesn't show any of these photos to future girlfriends - a sleepsuit with little blue mice on... how embarrassing!









4pm: Further to my tea-making lesson, here I am learning the finer points of aviation from Daddy. If he is very lucky, I may shower him with love and perhaps a little vomit.









5pm: My Mummy loves me.











7pm: I like to have a good ol' sob in the evening. Mummy and Daddy don't know why. I know, but I'm not telling...
The sharp-eyed amongst you will have noticed that I made good on my promise to shower Daddy with vomit.








2am: After a bath, some supper and a story (I love that fox in socks) it is finally bedtime. Night night!

Movies

Phil made a couple of movies of Michael on Sunday with the webcam. They are fabulous becausing he is smiling and cooing in them. You can take a look at them here.

Yuck and ouch

• Explosive bowel movements
• Milk blisters

He does have a sense of humour

Michael has been smiling on and off since he was three weeks old but it has only been in the last couple of days that we have seen big beaming smiles. The first beaming smile was directed at Phil whilst I was changing Michael's nappy. Phil was totally blown away by it and I think Michael could have got away with anything at that moment - Phil was wrapped round his little finger.

We were beginning to wonder if Michael had a sense of humour at all. Phil and I rely on our humour to carry us through the tough times and we, like all parents, I'm sure, hoped that Michael would be a happy baby who would gurgle and coo at us. For the majority of the early weeks he did nothing but eat, sleep, poop and cry. The thought had occurred to me that he might end up a joyless character like Victor Meldrew. Thankfully there was a sunny disposition hiding in there somewhere :o)

Belly cast

On a warm and sunny evening in July, when I was 35 weeks pregnant, Phil and I travelled to Leiden to meet a lady named Annemarie Fetz of Puur Sculptuur.

I decided some time before I got pregnant that when I finally did have a bump to show off, I would immortalise it by having a cast made of it. This is what Annemarie does - pregnant belly casts. I had to strip to the waist, coat my skin in petroleum jelly and perch on a little stool for half an hour whilst she covered my torso in strips of plaster-soaked bandages. I had to be very careful not to move or I would risk cracking the plaster. When the mold was removed we could see exactly where Michael had been lying to the right of my belly button. He had even managed to crack the plaster a little by kicking! Annemarie used this mold to make the cast that you can see to the left.

To say that I am thrilled with it is an understatement. I will always have this to remind me of how I looked when I was pregnant with Michael. I think that the pregnant shape is a beautiful one. We haven't decided yet where we will hang it in the house. There is a nice spot in the living room that isn't too in-your-face but part of me wants to keep it private and hang it in the bedroom. It is a pity that Annemarie doesn't do baby hands and feet casts. We have a do-it-yourself kit for this but we haven't got around to doing it yet. Keeping Michael still for long enough to make the mold will be quite a challenge!

Not the giant slipper!!!

With parenthood comes maturity...

This morning at breakfast time I received unquestionable proof that I have finally grown up. I had purchased a selection of serving-sized cereals and was preparing a bowl of cocoa shreddies. I tipped the cereal into the bowl then added the milk - next comes the sugar - but wait!! Since this cereal has cocoa powder in it, it doesn't really need sugar, does it? For the first time in my life I didn't add sugar to my cereal. I hope that this turn of events doesn't lead to more disturbing decisions and purchases. I am not ready to buy one of those giant slippers that fits both feet in yet!

Michael hosted his first webcast last week. Being an expat has a lot of advantages - experiencing other cultures is very enriching and I now feel far more of a European than a Brit. The main disadvantage is being far from family and childhood friends. My family are feeling this distance particularly acutely since Michael's birth. Realistically, we may not be able to visit each other more than three or four times a year and Michael will be virtually unrecognisable on those visits. The solution is simple - Skype, a microphone and a webcam. Now my parents can see Michael whenever they wish and feel like more a part of his life. They are serious technophobes and rarely feel that computers and the internet are worth the hassle so something like this convinces them that it does have it's uses.

No longer a shut-in

Here they are - my two favourite people in the world. Two peas in a pod :o) Michael has been suffering from some rather nasty tummy cramps lately - hence the less than cheery visage.

Today Michael and I actually left the house on our own. He is 5 weeks old and we have never managed this feat before. Phil went back to work last week and I don't know where the time goes to during the day. I count myself lucky if I manage to grab a shower and get dressed. This afternoon we walked into town and did some shopping. I was so pleased to briefly rejoin the land of the living that I called Phil at work to share in my victory. He was suitably impressed.

For my next trick, I will try to find the time to make myself something to eat during the day in addition to showering and dressing. I know, I know, I'm aiming high, but you never know - I might actually manage it one of these days! Phil usually comes home of an evening to find me feeding the baby on the sofa and surrounded by breast pads and muesli bar wrappers.

We have a smile!

Michael smiled for the first time this morning! He had been crying for a feed and I put him down on the bed to reach for my breastfeeding pillow and he immediately stopped crying and started looking around for some entertainment. Being a good mummy, I immediately obliged. After I pulled some particularly hilarious faces, he smiled at me. It certainly does make the sleepless nights and perforated ear-drums worthwhile. I called to Phil and we managed to get Michael to smile a few more times before he remembered that he was still waiting for some breakfast. I'll try to capture this smile on camera and post a picture.


The afternoon wasn't quite so fabulous as we went shopping at Vroom & Dreesmann in Amstelveen. It is a large department store with a great selection of baby clothes. I spent a happy half hour blowing my salary on little items of blue cloth whilst Phil was on another floor buying trousers. Whilst I was queuing at the checkout - disaster - Michael had a meltdown. The store was overly warm and he decided that he had had more than enough. I got a lot of pitying looks from other shoppers which was quite irritating - note to self - do not make eye contact with other shoppers when Michael has turned purple and is screaming the world down...







Things I love about Michael:

1. When he is having a cry and ends it with a sad little "Oooooooooh".
2. When he sticks his bottom lip out to get extra sympathy. Two female doctors fell for this hook, line and sinker yesterday.
3. His baby smell.
4. When he looks right at me and smiles.
5. The cute little monkey faces he pulls when feeding.

Things that drive me to hurl myself out of the window:

1. Michael instinctively knows when I've just started eating a meal or when I'm watching a programme I really want to see. He makes a point of howling extra loud at those times. I will never know what Gordon Ramsey threatened to do with that pumpkin on "Hell's Kitchen" yesterday.
2. The lack of sleep.
3. Did I mention the lack of sleep?

Phil has just reminded me of something funny that happened last night. It was about 3am and he had taken Michael into the nursery to change his nappy. I was watching TV in the bedroom next door. A couple of minutes after he left the room I started hearing exclamations of horror - "Oh no!" "No, stop!" and other such comments. Then I heard laughter that sounded tinged with hysteria. I decided to investigate and found Phil holding Michael suspended in mid air over the changing station. Michael was enthusiastically pooping all over a nappy on the changing station below. Phil wasn't able to put him down without covering him in poop and didn't have a free hand to get a clean nappy. Mummy to the rescue! Poor Michael was howling but Phil and I found the whole thing very funny and fell about laughing. We had to assure Michael afterwards that we weren't laughing at him.

Poorly baby

Poor Michael is unwell. He has met a grand total of four people since leaving the hospital two weeks ago and has left the house once for a walk with Phil and I. Despite this, he has managed to pick up a cold from someone. He is incredibly snuffly and we're having to use a saline nasal spray four times a day. He also has to have his mattress raised up so that he can sleep. When he first started to get unwell on Thursday, Phil and I called the out-of-hours doctor (it was 10pm) to see what we should do. She told us to bring Michael to the hospital for a check-up. We abandoned our KFC dinner and ran around the house gathering up anything we might possibly need for such a journey and headed off straight away. Fortunately, he didn't have a fever and his chest and ears were clear. All he needs is the saline spray and some TLC. I was really looking forward to going out and about with him but we'll have to wait until he is well again to show him the world outside the house.

Birth story

Warning - this is quite a graphic account of my labour experience so please do not read on if you are at all squeamish!

I've been meaning to get around to writing this for ages but the timing has never been right. Michael is currently fast asleep on his Daddy so I guess now is the time.

On the evening of Friday 11th August, Phil and I had been watching the Big Brother eviction on TV and afterwards I started to get some niggling pains - low back-ache and some cramping. I really wasn't sure if it was anything or not and we went out for a walk. When we came home I took a shower and went to bed and the pains stopped. At 4am I woke up a split second before my waters broke. We are not talking a little trickle here - it was more like Niagara Falls. When I look back over my labour experience, I think this was the most shocking thing of all. I tried to rouse Phil:

Catherine: "Phil, my waters have broken!"
Phil: "OK"
Catherine (slightly more urgently): "Phil, my waters have broken!"
Phil: "OK"
Catherine (now getting angry): "Turn the light on, you silly man!"

This got the desired reaction and we got up. I didn't start getting contractions until an hour or so later and they were reasonably manageable through the night until we could call the midwife out at 9am. I don't know if I have mentioned it before, but the plan was to have a home water birth. We had rented a birth pool and Phil had practiced assembling it the week before. Anyway, back to the story. By the time the midwife arrived the contractions had become very painful and frequent. I was dismayed to learn that I was only 1cm dilated. The midwife offered me the opportunity to go to the hospital and have an epidural. This was very surprising as the Dutch are very keen on natural childbirth and anecdotally it is easier to get blood from a stone than an epidural. I declined the opportunity to go to the hospital and the midwife left after telling us that she would be back to check on me in four hours.

This is the point where things started to move very fast. My contractions were coming almost continuously - I couldn't change position without having another one. I tried everything to help - yoga, my birth ball, the shower, a massage - nothing helped. An hour and a half after the midwife left I relented and agreed to go to the hospital. I would have done virtually anything at this point to escape the pain, I'm sure. I regret that I was not strong enough to resist accepting an epidural. I had had a completely medication-free pregnancy and still feel that on some level I failed Michael in this respect. The midwife made arrangements for me to go to Leids Universitair Medisch Centrum in Leiden. It took about two hours for Phil and I to leave the house because getting dressed and getting ready to go was severely hampered by my contractions. I honestly thought I would never make it the 30km to the hospital in the car.

Get there we did, and I even managed to sleep between contractions in the car. We were shown into a delivery suite and I was examined and found to be 5cm dilated. Progress! I was pretty out of it and found it very difficult to talk to anyone - I couldn't focus on anything but the pain. I was put on a monitor and a drip and we waited for the anaesthetists to arrive. A short time later, four of them arrived in green caps and gowns. I really don't know why four were necessary. One to site the epidural, and three to stand around in awed silence, maybe? I was then hooked up to more machines and a scalp monitor was put on Michael. This is regret number two. For whatever unfathomable reason, the epidural did not work - at all. I had full sensation in my legs. It was at this point that I got an irresistible urge to push - everyone was standing around waiting for the epidural to work and it took some time to get this urge taken seriously. I was examined again and found to be fully dilated. This was half an hour after arriving at the hospital. I had dilated 5cm in half an hour - still makes me wince to think about it! The anaesthetists told me that they didn't know why the epidural hadn't worked, but they cheerily wished me luck and left.

The doctor then told me that I could push. I think the last bit of sanity I had left me at this point. Not five minutes ago I was waiting for blissful numbness from the waist down and was now being told to push. I was exhausted and distressed and ending up pushing for almost two hours. They gave me an injection to increase the frequency and strength of the contractions - this didn't help. Michael's heart rate was starting to dip when I had a contraction so the doctors decided that I would need some additional help to deliver him and got a ventouse kit. This was agonising, and I had to have an episiotomy (mercifully, with a local anaesthetic) but it was effective and Michael's head was born a short time later. I have frequently read that delivering the head is supposed to be the hard part and that the body is just supposed to slither out with the next contraction. No such luck. Anyone who knows Phil and I will know what broad shoulders he has. Little (or not so little) Michael has inherited his Daddy's shoulders and got himself well and truly stuck. In being born, his right collar bone was broken. He was cleaned up and put on my tummy and the cord was clamped and then cut by Phil. This is regret number three as I did not want the cord to be clamped until it had stopped pulsing. As I mentioned, I was too out of it to really object. I don't hold the broken collar bone as a regret as this would have happened regardless of the labour experience - he was just too big for my little pelvis.

My poor little boy had a raised area on his head and a killer headache from the ventouse. He also had to have the sleeve of his sleepsuit pinned to the button area to prevent him from raising his arm and turning his broken collar bone. We spent a night in the hospital getting to know each other and we were discharged the next day after the paediatrician had examined Michael.

There are a lot of areas of my labour experience that sadden me greatly. I see pain in my little boy's eyes when I look at the photos that were taken of him immediately after the birth and even now I find it difficult not to cry. At the end of the day, Phil and I have been blessed with a beautiful and healthy little boy and this is the best gift we could ever have.